Remember the old days where I used to carry you on my back as we play horse ride down the meadows, catching grasshoppers and blowing off dandelion and make a wish? The way you smile and the sparks of your eyes were like a beautiful picture of joy and happiness. We tease each other and sometimes I can see you frowning like no other and you want to scream and freak out, but a little tickle changes your mood in a snap. We play, we fight, we even yell at each other, sometimes we hate each other like worst enemies but at the end of the day – we love each other. You may see me sitting in the corner, sad and depressed, you would come closer cheer me up and always say “I’m here for you and I will never leave you” – but you’re gone cannot see even your shadow.

I wish everything remains just like the old days; we’re innocent and care nothing but to play and enjoy each others’ company. Before we sleep at night we cuddle and sometimes we do pillow fight till our parents enter our room and scold us all, yet we still laughing out loud. During meal times you always tell your stories about your bad day or the friends who nag you, then father would say you’re special and most beautiful – you would blink your eyes like a fairy cause your were stirred up with his words. After that we gather around you as you stand above the table and dance us your favorite disco music. You would shake your body and even swing your arms freely in the air gleefully. Time goes by, we have dreams and we aim for things in life. We parted ways and live the life we chose. But I still miss you; I still miss the old days.  I wish we could have a counterclockwise of the past, maybe now, the truth is hard to forget - that we really love each other more than the hatred we have for each other.


I may have hurt you many times but that’s maybe because you’re too kind to understand and still understand. I may have asked you too much but that’s maybe because you’ve have enough to be asked from. Am I getting too far? Getting much advantage from you? Sorry I’m weak and wasn’t able to fulfill great things in life and sorry for having you involved with my burdens. Maybe you have thought, I’m always hurting you and giving you reasons to cry – I just found myself in a room and realize you were the only one to cheer me up and I was equipped with some thoughts that you will be there and won’t leave me. However things change like the weather and the moment you thought it’s still sunny the rains have already taken over.

We mocked each other’s back and even talk to people about flaws but what’s the sense? We have the same blood running over our veins and we came out from the same womb – we are brothers. You please other like kings and queens but I don’t understand why you cannot even treat me like an average one. I went home to contemplate and wonder much why things look so good when it’s fancy. Am I fancy? I don’t have the image to be fancy to public eyes, so maybe I better hide. One day I run over you crying and asking for help, you were there again backing me off but sorry I wasn’t able to give you something in return and maybe I’ve hurt you again. If only every time I see you around I could hug you, I could see you dance again like the old days, I could carry you in my back and we play again down the meadow, if only I could tell you from time to time how much I missed you and how proud am I to you, but things became so awkward, you were by my side but I can feel you miles away – really would like to ask “where are you?” “Who are you now?” however that might begin a long dramatic story so I better never mind it.

What have we done? Why we were like this? How hard it is to love each other? I don’t know I cannot figure out any answers. I just want you to be like the old days. Are we giving you too much load to carry? I’m sorry. When you say painful words to me, I just bow my head and feel in shame not because what you’ve said are true but because I wasn’t able to see that within myself – I am blind and I need time to know it better I guess. Im wondering why you love other people much and persuade them all the time when we found you sick in your bed none of them have showed up and only family can stay in tuck forever. Im afraid every one of us failed to see that.


Why we feel insecure to each other when we have all the things to be secured if all of us are uniting each other. Why we need to get jealous over someone’s fate when they are our brothers, aren’t we needed to be happy for them instead? Why we need to laugh out loud over our brothers striving for food? Aren’t we having the heart to help them instead? We used to compare which one is better why not we lift the weak and make them better instead? We never like it much to see our brother so poor while we used to toss our wines with elegance, can we not walk over them and share something in excess? Why we need to rumble those flaws, negative traits and attitudes when we are family? Love is greater, is it? Or hate is better than it? I don’t know all I want is to wish for the old days, see those smiles those eyes that reflects happy souls and those treatment to each other. Maybe if time could stand still, I wish to go back at certain point and wish it to be forever.